Today is September 7, 2018 a day filled with mixed emotions for me. By the time you read this blog however today will be done and gone. That doesn’t mean my mixed emotions will be gone and forgotten. It only means they won’t be as hard to deal with until the next September 7th.
Today’s date was supposed to be a dual celebration. It was supposed to be the day my family celebrated my parents anniversary and celebrated the birthday of one of my kids. But things didn’t go well for me when it came to that baby. Over fourteen years ago I was pregnant and happy to be so. I was so excited to find out our baby was going to be born on the same day as my parents anniversary. I thought how cool will that be for our baby and my parents to be able to celebrate together. I was so excited I remember calling my mom to let her know the due date was September 7th. My parents were just as happy.
Not long after that phone call I started to have problems. Not long after that I was on the phone with my midwife hearing her tell me to get to the hospital now. Not long after that I was sitting on a hospital bed, bleeding, listening to my midwife tell me I was having a miscarriage as we spoke. What a horrible thing to hear her say. It wasn’t her fault or mine either for that matter. But the feeling of heartbreak was there. The feeling of being a terrible wife was there. The feeling of why me AGAIN was there. The tears that quickly came to my eyes streamed down my face as my husband held me.
That day in the hospital was the weekend of Valentines Day. That day in the hospital I cried on my husband’s shoulder feeling terrible for loosing our baby. I felt like a failure for not being able to give my husband a big family. He cried too and reassured me he was more then happy with our family of four. The problem is that emotional pain lasted me for years. And when I say years I don’t mean one or two. I mean like a good four or more years.
Even though I remembered this loss over the years we still enjoyed celebrating my parents wedding anniversary that day. That is until four years ago, four months after my parents 50th wedding anniversary when my mom passed away from cancer. All of a sudden that day, September 7th became a day of sadness all around. The day that I remember of what would have been one of my due dates and the day that was my parents anniversary. It’s a day filled with sadness for me. I suppose on the bright side I don’t cry anymore. And if you were to look at me on that one day of the year, you wouldn’t have a clue that I was sad over my loss, but that pain is still there.
Kathleen Smith has been an indie author for over 6 years. Among her books you can read about her miscarriages and how she and her husband got through them in Miscarriages My Story