Yesterday was January 1, 2020 A.K.A. New Years Day. That’s the day most people are continuing to celebrate the new year. Some people get together with family and friend, have a party, or hang out together doing something. Others like to go to the mall and shop or whatever. For me that’s the day I try to keep myself busy. For me New Years day has a different meaning. That’s the day of the anniversary of my mom’s death. So for me it’s a day of sadness. A day where all I really want to do is cry.
Let’s not forget about New Years Eve. The night everyone is getting together to party. The first three years after my mom passed away I tried to do this. I went with my family to our Church’s New Years Eve gathering and tried to have fun. All I wanted to do was cry, but I knew nobody there would understand. The fourth year my husband and I decided to stay home and watch a movie. The movie we picked looked like it would be good and possibly make us laugh. WRONG! It ended up being sad and made me cry almost the entire time. Last year, the fifth year, we were in India of all places for a business trip. Once again I wanted to cry, but was around people who wouldn’t understand. This Year my husband took me to the Black and Blue Steak House in Albany on New Years Eve and on New Years Day we went to see the movie Jumanji. This New Years Eve and Day we kept me as busy as possible.
In all honesty the pain that I feel, starts in November. That might sound odd, but November is when my mom called me to let me know she had to go in the hospital. She tried to assure me that everything was okay, and she should be out of it by that Thanksgiving. There was a lot she wasn’t telling me on that phone call and I could hear it in her voice. I knew she was keeping something from me, but I couldn’t get her to tell me what it was. If she had I could have prepared myself for her death a little better, not a lot, but a little.
When that December came and she was still in the hospital we decided to visit her and give her a birthday card. I had no idea that was going to be the last birthday card I would give to my mom. I actually thought she looked better then what I was expecting to see. I mean she was sitting up in a chair, in her room, so I thought okay this can’t be that bad, she’ll be home soon. Although I think deep down I knew this wasn’t going to turn out good. I remember kissing my mom good bye that day and letting her know how much I loved her. We gave each other a good look while I had tears in my eyes. That last look of I love you to each other and everything is going to be okay.
And then January 1, 2014 came and at 7pm that night I got that dreaded phone call from my dad. His voice was crying while he said “mom is gone”. I started to cry and told my dad we would be right there. What a terrible way to end one year and start a new year! I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I felt like an orphan all of a sudden. I had this shooting pain in my heart that couldn’t be taken away by anyone. Not even my husband while he help me as I cried like a baby.
That pain that starts in November and lasts until sometime after New Years Day, nobody can see. I won’t let them see it. My husband knows about it. And for all I know maybe some people can see it, they just don’t know how to help. Which is fine too since I would rather people not try to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. That isn’t what I want to hear. I would much rather deal with it one year at a time. I would rather my husband keep me busy while I do my best to get through that pain.
Kathleen Smith is an indie Author, blogger and she has her own podcast Kathleen’s Korner. You can read or listen about her life in Brooklyn and Upstate NY . You can also either read or listen to her personal story of how she and her husband kept their marriage together through 3 miscarriages in Miscarriages My Story