Yesterday I was looking at our Christmas tree and I thought “the holidays are over.” Then I looked under the tree and I thought how bare the tree looked without any wrapped Christmas presents. It looked rather depressing. All I could think was how sad it was that it’s all done and over with. I felt like a walking contradiction. I say this because my last blog was all about the pain I feel during the holidays that nobody can see. At the same time I enjoyed the holidays this year. Do you see what I mean, I’m a walking contradiction!
So here’s the thing with holidays, me, joy and pain. After my mom died being able to celebrate any holiday was painful. I had to put a smile on my face when we were out in public and yet when we were home I would cry on my husbands shoulders. This happened on Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. As the years go by each year feels different between the sadness and the joy. I sure hope that makes sense, but if it doesn’t, that would be the walking contradiction again.
I found this holiday season to be a little better than years past. I still feel the pain of my mom’s death and I still miss her terribly. For example, the last two Thanksgivings my family and I spent in Colmar, France at the Christmas Markets. I had a great time at these markets, but at the same time I remember my mom. I remember that’s the time of year when she went into the hospital for a “brief” stay.
This year, or should I say last year, I had fun with my family at a bunch of Christmas Markets. I had a great time holding and playing with my first grandchild. I had a bunch of laughs with my husband, our kids and other relatives. I had a nice time eating good food and watching a movie on New Years Eve and Day. I was able to have a good holiday season this year, but at the same time I was feeling the pain of the loss of my mom. Do you see what I mean by a walking contradiction? I miss my mom something terrible around Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, but at the same time I have a good time with my family.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be having a good time during the holidays. Then I start to think about my mom and how she would feel. She would probably want me to have fun and laugh. She would probably say “it’s okay to enjoy your family”. I wish my mom could still be with us. I wish she could give me one of her big hugs. I wish she could see my kids now and I wish she could see and play with my first grandchild, her first great grandchild. I truly do miss my mom and at the same time I love spending the holidays with my family. I really do feel like a walking contradiction. I wonder how many other people feel like that. Do you?
Kathleen Smith is an indie Author, blogger and she has her own podcast Kathleen’s Korner. You can read or listen about her life in Brooklyn and Upstate NY . You can also either read or listen to her personal story of how she and her husband kept their marriage together through 3 miscarriages in Miscarriages My Story